The Vile Shall Inherit the Earth

Keepin’ on.

I want to have a complete and utter breakdown. I want to get insanely fucked on drugs and alcohol, chain smoke, then figure out the best way to end my life. Would I leave letters for those closest to me or would I just disappear?

I want to crawl into my mothers arms and cry so hard that I can’t breath. I want her to look me in the eye and tell me that everything will be okay and I want to believe her like I did when I was a little girl. I want to sleep next to her in bed until the nightmares go away.

I want a man with a big beard to scoop me up and hug me until my ribs shatter. I want him to love me unconditionally and support me in every way possible. I want to look into his eyes and see so much love that I won’t ever be able to frown or feel insecure again.

Mostly, I want people to feel the pain that I have felt, the things that I have seen and heard. I want them to view life through my eyes. I want them to feel broken and abused; mentally, physically, emotionally, sexually. I want them to feel tired. I want them to feel lifeless.

I can’t do any of these things. That’s not me. I understand that these are my problems and that they are so insignificant. And just because I hurt, doesn’t mean that others deserve to hurt. I will not allow others to see my inner struggles, nor will I let those struggles completely define me as a person. I cannot use my past as an excuse like so many people do. And I refuse to use it as an excuse to hurt others like they have hurt me because I know it is wrong.

 I am strong, I am independent, and I couldn’t ask somebody to help me even if I knew how. I am proud of being this strong but there are times when I wish I could let the weakness overpower me like it used to.